The ‘people helpers’ who talk too much! One phenomenon that’s always fascinated me is the tendency for “people helpers” to talk too much… People helpers? Managers Trainers Coaches, counsellors Teachers Inspirational speakers HR people Mentors. They seem to think that if they’re not talking, and telling people what to do, they are not earning their…

Those ‘be discontent’ messages Have you ever stepped back and looked at the range of messages-to-be-discontent that we receive daily? That we are bombarded with, in fact?. Messages designed to make you aware that other people are better, happier, more successful, and have more things than you? Quick let’s put these holiday photos on social…

Think about a few recent conversations… Who, not what, did you talk about? About them? About you? Or a fair mix of each. More precisely, how much interest did they show in you and your life. Were they genuinely interested in your thoughts, your interests, your feelings, your concerns, your aspirations? A further test of…

I am prepared to admit that my favourite, and only, soap opera is The Archers on BBC Radio 4. (The programme has been on air since January 1951 though I’ve only been a fan since the mid-seventies!) Nearly 30 years ago Jill Archer, the matriarch of the family, was advising one of her troubled offspring…

It was a BBC Radio 4 programme, announced as a comedy show – and within 60 seconds I had to switch it off. Had to switch off? Yes, the quick-fire, raspy, edgy voice of the presenter grated on my nerves. It was physically uncomfortable. He has a great voice… for a writer. I’d recently been…

Get it out of your head – and on to paper! Sometimes life can be confusing. Or overwhelming. Like when you have too much happening – lots of changes to cope with – lots of decisions to make. Or you’ve got a vague, uneasy, or unpleasant feeling that you can’t get to the bottom of.…

How those ‘not interested’ messages work There are lots of subtle messages hidden in everyday conversations – even in seemingly light-hearted chit-chat! Some of these are verbal. Some, most even, are non verbal and these can be powerful. They can dismiss the value of your contribution. They can undermine your standing in the relationship –…

Habits can be useful and efficient… traps I like a cup of instant coffee first thing in the morning. Every morning, without fail. For as long as I remember. And I always add a spoon of CoffeeMate, a coffee whitener, after making the coffee.  Always. Now, first thing in the morning is the time of…

‘Try’ undermines your impact and influence I was doing some research for an article on stress and depression yesterday. So, I web-searched on a few terms. And I couldn’t believe how sloppy is the language used by so many people who should know better; doctors, psychiatrists, therapists, counsellors and, apparently well-respected PhD’s, using phrases along…

Before you climb it, ensure your ladder is against the right wall? For years I’ve quoted Stephen Covey’s great metaphor: “If the ladder is not leaning against the right wall, every step we take just gets us to the wrong place faster.” I actually paraphrased Covey: There’s little point in energetically and enthusiastically climbing that…

We just looked at one another I was walking along the local high street.  And I was approaching and about to pass a woman walking with her daughter of about 6 or 7… Daughter: Mum, what age is Carol? Mum: She’s nearly 18, dear (…longish pause…) Daughter: Emmm, Mum? Mum: Yes, dear. Daughter: Will you…

(This article was originally posted on 13 June 2019 just over 9 months before our first pandemic lockdown here in the UK. I’m reposting it here because, in the light of the past two years, the ideas about social distancing seem so dated. Almost quaint, in fact. Oh, and I’m also reposting it because the…

Positive thinking or just lazy thinking? Have you noticed that much of what’s promoted as ‘positive thinking’ is really lazy thinking or even, let’s face it, daft thinking? It’s something that’s bothered me ever since I was got caught up in my own fuzzy buzzy phase a few decades ago. Yes, I fell for that Group…

A challenging question? On some of our courses, we introduce our Design Your Future exercise. It’s a way of creating a practical action plan to create your ideal future over the next few years. When introducing the exercise I ask people to consider “where do you want to be with your life in 5 or…

A 600-yr old tip! Have you ever noticed the great resolutions that we make when we’re unwell… You know, the promises such as: Once I’m feeling better again I’ll exercise more, eat better, have a better work-life balance, etc. Well twas ever thus. Asked for his advice for a happy life, Sigismund, the Holy Roman…

They need to look away to think In conversation, lots of people need look away to think. On the other hand, lots of other people get upset if their speaking partner doesn’t maintain continuous eye contact during a conversation! This thing about who looks at whom can cause a fair bit of confusion. I can’t…

NLP Anchors worked – even before NLP! Back in the late 1700’s the Scottish novelist-to-be, Walter Scott, was a student at Edinburgh High School. And he was always runner-up to the more articulate and quick-witted boy who invariably came top of the class. One day, as his rival was speaking in class, Scott noticed that…

“How long will it take me to get into the habit of doing this?” Well, the usual answer is 21 days and this is one of those myths-which-became-truth because it is so widely and unquestioningly quoted (including by myself in the distant past). It’s based on a 1960’s observation by Maxwell Maltz, the positive thinking…

Walking – less fashionable than running, BUT… In recent years enlightened GPs around the UK have been setting up walking groups for patients in their practices – with good results in reducing requests for prescriptions and in building self esteem and social connections. Walking doesn’t get the same kind of press attention as jogging or…

The amazing Nocebo Effect The Nocebo is what happens when we receive scary news which results in physical symptoms.  The Nocebo is the opposite of the Placebo. With the Placebo, which means ‘I will heal’, we get well because we believe something is good for us – the kindly doctor or therapist who listens and…

Time for a break from The (Bad) News! Social-Distancing? Yep, got it! So, now how about ‘News-Distancing?” As I sat down to have my lunch one day last week, there was a ‘coming up’ announcement for the BBC Radio 4 World at One news programme which proudly announced “Covid Virus – the latest on who’s…

Wishing them well?? Shortly after the arrival of Covid-19 in the UK we began wishing each other well with “Stay Safe!” comments. It is a well-intended comment.  Yet, in communication, and as we know from NLP, it’s not our intention when communicating that matters.  What matters are the results of our communicating – our impact on…

The end of Lockdown in the UK Today is VE Day – Friday 8 May 2020. It’s when we celebrate the day World War II ended in Europe 75 years ago on 8 May 1945. Almost exactly half-way through the war, in November 1942, Churchill cautiously forecast a successful end to World War II with…

The repeated lie is believed The 3rd Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year… according to many British newspapers. This ‘scientific claim’ is the invention of a PR company and a part-time lecturer. It was created back in 2004 to get people to book their annual summer holidays earlier and is,…

Share those good moments It was on a Core Skills course a few years back. And we were chatting around the kitchen table during one of the course breaks. I think it was during a lunch time. (These informal round-the-table chats are when we often come up with fascinating ways of applying, and wiring in,…

Sulking: getting the Silent Treatment! Oh, he’s just having one of his sulks – best to ignore him. If she doesn’t get what she wants she goes into a sulk – forever! There’s no point in trying to talk with them – they’re in a sulk! Living, or working closely, with a sulker isn’t much…