You’re just perfect!
We look at the “falling into and out of love” pattern on our NLP Core Skills course.
It goes like this:
- We meet someone we like
- Get to know them better
- And, as a result, begin to fall in love with them
- This creates a filtering process in which we recognise more things we love about them.
So far, so good.
You’re not perfect anymore!
Things are so good we decide the're perfect - or pretty nearly perfect.
So we decide to live together and maybe get married. And for the first few months or even years things get even better.
Then we start to recognise what, while we are fine and just as free of faults and flaws as when the relationship started, the other person has changed.
Time for change
They have developed imperfections. Sometimes this heralds the end of the relationship: after all, who wants to live with someone who’s not perfect – we’d better look for someone better!
More often we begin a campaign to change them.
We try to to turn them back into the previous perfect version.
Surprisingly, our campaign is not welcomed – despite the fact we’re just doing it for their own good. No, they don’t recognise this and strenuously resist our efforts to mould them into our ideal version of themselves.
It’s all to do with our filters
In reality they haven’t changed very much.
They never were perfect. We just ignored their imperfections when we were in the New Love phase of the relationship – that phase when we only see the good things about them and are blind to the big picture of them and their personality.
Now time and familiarity have worn away the unrealistic image we had of them during the New Love phase.
Happily many people then switch on their Wonderful Complexity filters – where they can see the wonderful complexity of the other person and their different ‘sides’ - good, not-so-good, endearing, irritating, fun, serious, weak, strong and so on.
But many refuse to accept this reality. They want Mr or Ms Perfect back and they are determined to make this happen. Resulting in a life-long battle.
The solution is to recognise how our virtual filtering process works and to re-evaluate how we perceive our partner. It’s the subject of this week’s Pegasus NLP Newsletter which you can read in full on our website.
This was originally published in June 2013 and revised 28 March 2019.