‘I need to talk!’

They have something to say – you have something to say. You know that what you have to say is interesting and you’re impatient to tell them. So are they. So you each trade bits of your own ‘something’ and neither is listening to the other.

It’s a very common phenomenon. And it gets in the way of exchanging ideas – which is what communication is about. And it happens a lot in relationships – especially at the end of the working day.

My turn to speak?

It can be frustrating. You have all these ideas and feelings which you want to share with them. But they have things they want to share with you.

Yes, you could try mechanical behavioural modification methods like each having 5 minutes to speak or having a ‘talking stick’ but that just gives you time to speak – it doesn’t get their attention. They are now waiting for their turn to speak rather than listening.

It’s true that some people are just not interested in others. They are simply looking for an audience – any audience will do. There’s little point in attempting to exchange ideas with them. But a lot of people are just so worked up about what they have to say that they must get it out in the open before they can listen.

The cup of tea

There is a story of a learned professor who came to Zen Master to learn about Zen. And as they used to do in those days the Master made tea. Then he began pouring tea into the visitor’s cup. It filled and began overflowing. And he continued pouring. ‘Stop’ said the professor, ‘It’s already full – you can’t get any more in!’

‘Yes’ said the Masters, ‘It’s like your mind. It’s so full of your own ideas and opinions that there is no room for any new ones.’

The mental ‘filing cabinet’

Conversations with some people are a bit like this. They have to ‘get it off their chest’ before they are able to listen. They are not selfish. They are not disinterested in what you have to say. They simply need a few moments while they think aloud.

Yes, okay, sometimes they do need quite a few moments especially if it is something they are worked up about – like ‘the situation at work’.

When they are excited, or angry, or confused, or worried they’ve got all this stuff going on inside – images and feelings and words. Their thoughts and emotions are in a whirl.

Imagine an old-style filing cabinet neatly organised with drawers and sections for different subjects. Their mind is a bit like that cabinet – but after the kids have been playing with it. Everything is jumbled up. Not only that but, for some people, the jumbled up stuff keeps moving about. Which adds to the lack of clarity.

Now they intuitively know that if they get to talk it out – and talk it out aloud – this ‘stuff’ will be sorted. Their talking it out is their way of thinking things through – and getting the filing cabinet nice and neat once again.

Wait!

Meanwhile you need to wait. In relative silence. You don’t need to counsel them. You don’t even need to ask questions – other than to clarify things for yourself.

And you certainly do not need to give advice!

Nor interrupt.

Let them talk it out – they’re sorting out their filing cabinet on their own. And once they’ve got their stuff sorted they’ll relax and be happy to listen and be fully interested on what you have to say!

But that’s not fair

Yes, that’s the response of some people when I suggest this approach. And the issue they’re missing is whether they want to be Right of Happy? Being right means everyone behaving correctly, logically, and unemotionally – and allocating ‘turns’ for talking and listening.

Being happy means getting along with people and recognising their moods and needs. And, from an NLP perspective, if this means using our NLP insights and behavioural flexibility to develop great relationships with people, it’s worth it.