In the second NLP Bore trait other people are not allowed to ‘be negative’. They must remain in a permanently positive frame of mind otherwise they’ll be ‘NLPed’.
So you can’t discuss your problems – that’s not positive. You can’t talk about your difficulties – because we have to deal with process and not with content. You can’t even have a moan – because, you’re told, that’ll simply make things worse.
The right way
Now in the NLP Meta Model these are all unquestioned and unquestionable ‘Rules’ (or in the traditional jargon they are ‘Modal Operators of Necessity’). They are the NLP Bore’s rules and they are being imposed by the Bore on the rest of us – whether or not this is appropriate for the rest of us.
They have found ‘the right way’. And that must be the right way for everyone: my rules for me – my rules for you! Which misses out on a fundamental NLP Principle about respecting the other person’s reality or their ‘model of the world’.
Neither right nor wrong
Funnily enough there is some truth in each of the Bore’s objections to discussing problems:
- Discussing problems is not positive; it is focusing on the negative. Which, in turn, directs our attention away from what we actually want instead of the problem.
- Discussing the details of a problem is, indeed, exploring the superficial content of the problem – and it usually is more effective to work with the underlying process (i.e. how the person runs the problem in their mind).
- Complaining about things does, indeed, make things appear worse… for a lot of people, a lot of the time. This is because in doing so people become more associated into the feelings, or kinaesthetics, of the problem.
Appropriateness and flexibility
But, and it is a big but, more important than each of these is ‘what is most appropriate for this person and in this situation?’
For example, many people actually talk about their problems as a way of mentally filing things away so that they can forget about them. This is something which we explore in our NLP Core Skills programme and it is a common strategy for people who do a lot of their thinking in images.
They’ll come home from work, and tell you what an awful day they’ve had – and carry on talking about it for 20 to 40 minutes. And then they’re fine. Their talking, especially if you simply listen in silence (with an occasional understanding or sympathetic noise) does the trick. Now all of their pictures are sorted out and they can relax!
However this approach of tailoring the approach to suit the individual and of prioritising their needs requires a more thorough understanding of NLP and a lot more flexibility than the more simplistic and fatuous approach of the NLP Bore.
(Click her for The first in the NLP Bore Series which was published on 15 August)
I am so pleased I read this comment on the blog. It has really cleared something for me. Some years ago I worked with an NLP Practitioner who was also a friend. They created a state change without dealing the things that I was going through at the time. I now know I needed to file these first. This relationship broke down as every time a state change occurred it dissipated quickly, and then you have guessed it made me crave more. In the end this became too much for the practitioner involved. I am now working with someone new on my journey, amazingly different and after reading this blog I know why. I am predominantly visual/kinesthetic and this practitioner allows me to talk about my stuff first and file it, then we almost invisibly move to change work. She works with ethics and understanding and I don’t get the craves, just a gentle journey into life !!! I have also practitioner myself and learnt an important although painful lesson about ethical use of NLP.