Time for change

Back in the mid 70’s I got fed up earning quite good money but with little job satisfaction. I was in charge of the new computer department for a large firm in the City of London. This was before I encountered NLP so I didn’t know about living life according to one’s values – I just knew I wasn’t feeling fulfilled and that too much of the ‘quite good money’ was being spent on ‘things and events’ i.e. on compensations for not living a fulfilling life!

Anyway, I decided to take a sabbatical and do something for fun while I decided what to do next with my life.

So for nearly year I indulged my passion for motorcycling by working as a despatch rider (or motorcycle courier). That year of sitting in the saddle for up to 12 hours a day and in all weathers put paid to my passion for motorcycling and so I again changed direction.

(This is the second part of a two-article post – read Part 1 here)This article is part of a series on Rapport:

1. What is rapport?
2. Do you communicate with – or talk-at?
3. How we learn to create rapport
4. Rapport is about give and take
5. We have to invest in relationships
6. Don’t use body-language to create rapport

An uncomfortable lesson

I taught myself to make and market my own gold and silver jewellery (long story, there, and for another time). My jewellery-making career got off to an enthusiastic start but quickly became financially disastrous – until I met a great mentor.

I’d arrived, unannounced, at his jewellery shop in Watford (in Herts, UK) and wanted to sell him my designs.

He briefly looked them and said ‘Look, I’m busy – I haven’t got time to talk with you now but if you call around to my home we can look at them‘. He gave me directions and next evening I called to meet him and his family.

His opinion of my work wasn’t flattering. Nor was his opinion of my presentation. Nor, especially, of my sales’ approach!

Life changing advice

He said he would not be buying from me. But what he gave me was one of the most valuable lessons of my business career.

In a gentle, kind, and very matter-of-fact way he said my designs were unsuitable for a High Street jewellers like his, that I had not researched my market at all, that my presentation of my designs was shoddy, that my sales approach was amateurish – and that I had not worked at developing relationships with potential customers.

He finished by saying: ‘Reg, you’ve gotta lay it down before you can pick it up!’

Drawing on his own and his family’s long experience in the jewellery business he then elaborated by explaining that unless we invest, both with money and with developing inter-personal relationships, we cannot expect to get anywhere in life or in business.

I was stunned!

I was also disappointed. Financially desperate, I was devastated at not receiving the huge order I had convinced myself he was going to offer.

You see I’d picked up that he was a kind and generous man and so I assumed an order was in the bag.

Yes, he was a kind man. And he knew I needed the order. So I ‘knew’ he’d give it to me… out of kindness/sympathy, if nothing else.

An invaluable lesson

As it happened, he was, indeed, kind and generous.

But not in the way I had expected. He didn’t give me an  order but he gave me a life-lesson that proved to be far more valuable.

His bluntness was uncomfortable. And it was quite unwelcome. I desperately needed an order. I’d maxed out on both my credit cards – I had nothing left. Or so it seemed.  So I went home and licked my wounded pride.

Much later, I thought about his uncomfortable advice and slowly, reluctantly accepted that I’d got it wrong. I’d been treating my potential customers as ‘punters’ to be used for my ends. I was doing a ‘Gimme, gimme’ on them without having got to know them or their needs. As a result there was little likelihood of a win-win for them.

So, thanks….?

Chastened and a little stunned by the bluntness of his advice, I changed my approach.

I changed just about everything; my products, my approach to my would-be customers, and even my market. And around a year later I was making a tidy living from my re-launched jewellery business and had even begun paying off the accumulated debts!

Equally important, I was living my values – and exploring aspects of my nature which I’d previously not even considered. And getting to actually like my customers – as opposed to seeing them as means to my ends. The resulting freedom from pressure was partly responsible for my coming across NLP, just a few years later 1979. And this, in turn, subsequently became my enduring passion right through to the present day!

(Sadly I now have no idea who my life-changing mentor was. And, now that I come to think about this, I don’t think he’d care too much about this. He was one of those generous spirits who offer help without adding the ‘price tag’ of gratitude!)

Relationships begin with win-won

His approach is one that is missed by the ‘Gimme, gimme’ people – such as myself back them, the lady who demanded my assistance today, and the increasing numbers of people who think they have a right to anything they want, just because they want it! It’s missed by the “I want it – that’s good enough! I’ll get myself ‘into state’ and get out there and get it!” people.

“NLP can enable you to manipulate people”

Unfortunately many people see NLP as a means of doing just this: they see NLP as a means of learning techniques to get better at the ‘Gimme, gimme’ approach – without having to do anything in return other than want-and-take!

Sadly it’s true that NLP can appeal to the type of person who wants to be more skilful at bending others to their will – at using others in a ‘Win-Lose’ in which they win and the other person, the punter, loses. Unfortunately, it’s also all too true that there are lots of cynical people out there ready to sell them this dream – the ‘we’ll teach you to bend others to your will’ dream.

Relationships begin with win-win… which leads to rapport

My unknown mentor’s advice was based on the age-old idea that win-win is the foundation of personal relationships, friendship and business.

Yes, there are rapport techniques – and we’ll explore some in this series of articles on Rapport.

But these ‘techniques’ need to be based on an attitude – the win-win attitude. If this latter is not in place you will always be looking for new friends and new customers – because you can’t fool all of the people all of the time…