NLP Hype 
The five of us were sitting in the sunshine outside a café in the lovely little Victorian town of Swanage this morning – Julie, Peter, their two boys, and myself. And despite our best intentions the conversation drifted back to NLP – a few times.
We got to remarking on the NLP Hype that so many people still subscribe to through exhortations and exclamations along the lines
- Unleash your potential
- Have compelling goals
- Be the best you can be
- Awaken the giant within
- Live your life with passion
- You have a right to be the best there
- Aim for unlimited power in your life
And so on, ad nauseum…
Be dissatisfied
What these NLP Hype urgings have in common, as Julie remarked, is ‘be dissatisfied” which means put yourself in a state of conflict between where you are and where you have the potential to be.
In other words, be stressed!
Look at your life and realise you could do better. You could have a better job. Have a better car. Have more friends. Be more confident. Be more successful. Have a better body. And, whatever you do, don’t enjoy the moment! Always strive for that great future – the one where you’ll be have more fun, be successful, be happy, be liked – so that in your life happiness will always ‘be going to happen.”
The message, unless you’re savvy enough to personalise it, is don’t stop striving to be better than everyone else. To always aspire to be more.
It is an appealing attitude
Yet, despite the over-the-top US West Coast flavour, it is an attitude which is so easy to get caught up in – for a while. Unless you’re careful. Unless you think it through.
I’ve been there. Having been involved with NLP for over three decades I’ve tried the NLP Hype approach for a while – well, for about 15 years. It’s a bit like a constant state of self hypnosis – a cocoon of only-positive thinking.
Is there an in-between way?
For me the in-between way is a bit less frantic.
Yes, we all have great potential. Yes, it’s rewarding to be engaged in self-improvement.
But not if it means endless dissatisfaction – continuous striving – continuously getting into positive states.
To me, sitting and chatting outside the cafe this morning and watching the holiday makers as they ambled about in the sunshine and in the rarely-hurried Swanage style, was also part of walking the talk of NLP.
We parted and went our separate ways: they to get lines and bait for their crabbing session down by the pier – me to go home and plant the potatoes.
It all seemed a long way from ‘being the best that you can be’, unleashing the passion and the magic within….
But, even for NLPers, life also can include time to smell the roses.
I really enjoyed that Reg. I sensed the calmness as you described the scene. What ever happened to good old contentment? So underrated in this age of go go go affirmations. We seem surrounded by airport books declaring they know the secret path to happiness, riches and all we’ve ever dreamed of. Planting potatoes and having coffee with friends sounds a much more inviting prospect.
Hi Reg!
I like this article very much, and most of all, I liked your language choice, which is always very inspiring to me.
I got in touch with NLP through the author of Awaken the Giant Within, who appeared into my life exactly in the moment I was very frustrated. The kind of life I am leading now actually takes it sources from the Hype Approach, as those moments becaome strong anchors to me. An anchor which inspired me so much, that I decided to undergo a major breakthrough. And this was and still is very rewarding.
But, as you correctly define it in your post, after a while, it becomes an “ad nauseam” approach.
My personal need of NLP is nowadays much more in the “be well and aware” for what concerns my personal improvement, and “be effective” for the professional aspect.
And mostly, in the “get rid of old limitations”. And at this, your approach is very effectful. And on top of it, I never run the risk of the ” ad nauseam” effect !
See you soon and happy Easter!
Living my life with passion is all about doing what I was destined to do at last. I was always busy trying to be perfect until I did the Practitioner Course At Swannage. There I completed my first (live) watercolour, of the courtyard. The painting took the whole week as the light kept changing and I was so slow trying to get things just right. On the last evening I just launched in and got the colours on so quickly for the bricks and stonework because the important thing was to come away with a painting. I have been painting ever since and none of them are perfect, but have evolved to a state of Artistic Realism through Impressionism. I was introduced to clean language on the course and at a later stage had the opportunity to develop through this into a state of realization that nothing is perfect, only evolving. At the same time we have to reach a stage in anything we are doing where we know we are happy with it. Like growing potatoes that are fit to be eaten. Hope you get a good crop this year Reg.
By the way, everything in the garden is growing just great.
Yes, it’s almost ‘uncool’ to not be frantic, striving, “in state”,
To me NLP is about being better friends with myself, first and foremost. Milton Erickson once observed that people came to see him as a therapist because they were no longer in rapport with their unconscious mind (i.e. true or inner self).
Jiddhu Krishnamurti – the ultimate anti-guru – suggested that if we don’t know ourselves then any action we take is likely to be a compensation for our personal inadequacies.
I don’t know if we ever get to really know ourselves but our (Pegasus) NLP approach is probably as good a route as any…
…although, of course, I may be slightly biased…
A great blog, thanks Reg. For me it was some of the hype that drew me to NLP originally when I was frustrated and couldn’t make sense of many things in my life. However, it has been the small things that have made a real difference and the gradual discovery of myself and how I can manage my interactions with the world that have led to most satsifaction. Making lots of small changes in my life and living by the 10% difference is what has given me great fulfilment.
How lovely! I couldn’t agree more – someone once said to me that people are either disturbed or disturbable. I’d really much rather think that we are already the best that we can be, (and in true NLP fashion) given the current circumstances, our current state of mind, our currently accessible resources. We can choose to change that if we want, but that’s a positive desire for a different way of operating, rather than a feeling that what we have is not good enough.
Easy to preach, less easy to practice!
But, the blog is very timely. I was just about to drop out of a family visit tomorrow because I have ‘too much to do’. But, we have one life, grandchildren are only 9 months old once, so I will head to family, knowing that work will still be there when we get back – and I may have a clearer view on how to resolve it with the head space that time away will give me.
Thanks Reg! And how lovely to catch up with Peter, Julie & the boys
Happy Easter
Caron
Hi Reg,
great blog – for me NLP has given me the freedom to find balance – there are times for hype and times for smelling the roses – like the seasons, I find it helpful to go with the flow of the current season, whether that’s a time of energy, or a time of sitting having coffee and watching the world go by – I love the freedom NLP has given me to make the choice that I feel is right at that time
I found time to smell the roses prior to discovering NLP, it’s certainly a phrase that pops into my head on a very regular basis… I have so much passion for the outdoors; At this precise moment, I’m looking out into my beautiful small garden, the bird songs fill the air and I see endless shades of green on the trees, endless shades of all colours you can imagine. It always astounded me on my daily commute from Cambridge to Liverpool Street Station in Central London how every window would be shut as I got on the train, I would always open them, and how every single person in the carriage had there head buried in a newspaper; mobile phone; wired into a dvd, preparing work before they got to work or catching up on sleep from their endless struggle to keep up with their daily lives. I’d catch the train at 6.48am but I would be making a point of soaking in the beautiful sunrise, watch the wildlife go about their daily business, soak in the sight of the low morning mist over the wetlands where the beautiful swans, geese, ducks, rabbits and foxes would go about their daily lives, I’d see the odd jogger or dog walker and privately applaud them. Only when we arrived at the industrial areas nearer town would I open my newspaper or book (another of Paulo Coelho’s) and enjoy some reading time. Then on the way home, I’d soak in the evening sunsets; they can of course make even the most unattractive areas look quite stunning. A few times I’d spot the most beautiful rainbow, look around me wanting to shout out “wow, look at that rainbow in the distance as it shines in all its beauty”, but again I’d look around me and see everyone else reading the negative stories of the day in the Evening Standard, or still working, or moaning about the service today, more loud phone calls about what they would be doing that evening, food to buy on the way home, how hungover they had felt this morning or watching yet another DVD. In the winter I arrived at work in the dark, spent all day in a windowless office (that alone nearly destroyed me) so tea breaks or cigarette break as some would call them, and every lunch break I would make a purposely trek around Acton park, listening to the wild parakeets (yes we have wild parrots in London! who’d escaped from London Zoo no doubt, can’t say I blame them!) The endless daily commute and working in a windowless office are definately past now, they were making me ill, so now i take the time to smell even more roses, I often see Kingfishers, Herons, recently seen a deer and enjoy nothing but watching the world go by on a beautiful sunny day, so in all I’d just love to see a lot more people taking time out to “smell the roses”.
Of course many modern roses have no smell – they are bred only for their appearance. Which says a lot about our skewed values and the power of marketing…
It’s a bit like NLP training. The discerning buyer will look for roses that have a bit more to them than a short-lived flash of colour – and will want durability, quality, and all the features that make having a rose a special experience. (Or have I flogged to death that metaphor? 🙂 )
I enjoyed your points here… very well thought out. I have a personal goal of increasing the time that I spend living in the moment (ironic if you think about it). it is true that such a goal actaully has the potential of distracting me from my very goal. This is going to need a bit of contemplation… I came upon this post as I was searching for ways in which NLP might help the thoughts which encourage unhealthy sleeping patterns… what is the line between helping and hindering? too much striving = less time living…
Hi William: many thanks for the two comments. The one above and the one at the end of the December 2009 article on Values:
“I can’t get enough of your writing… For whatever reason I did not learn much of anything about NLP in my years of education in becoming a psychotherapist. you have given me such aweseom practical ideas to help both myself and others… thank you. your discussions on values has given me much to contemplate and utilize… I am only 31, but I have no regrets… I wish to pass on why and your discussion on values has illuminated what I unconsciously found some 14 years ago. thank you… it is truly strange how a stranger on a random blog can have such a significant impact.”
It’s very good to know that the articles are proving useful and interesting. Thanks for taking the time to comment and to let me now.
As a blogger yourself ( http://www.thoughtsfromatherapist.com) you must sometimes wonder if your carfefully crafted or, sometimes, roughly drafted thoughts get through to people. To know that your own clients will also benefit is a nice thought 🙂
Liked the Costa Rica picture of the two of you, btw.