Self esteem is not a thing – it’s simply a way of thinking
This week’s Pegasus NLP Newsletter is about self esteem. And how, whether it be high or low, self esteem is simply a habit – a habitual way of thinking about ourselves. As American psychologist and philosopher William James observed about 100 years ago ‘All our life … is but a mass of habits’.
Many experts refer to people as having ‘low self esteem’ – as if this were a thing which exists somewhere inside us and which, therefore, needs expert professional treatment.
Yet, as we recognise in NLP, this is missing the point by miles! Because there is no such ‘thing’ as self esteem – whether it be high or low. Self esteem is not something we have – it is something we do through how we think.
Which is good news because if my habitual way of thinking about myself is not enhancing my life I can simply begin thinking differently – and I can begin right away.
How we ‘do’ self esteem
Self esteem is the activity of thinking about ourselves – we are evaluating or esteem-ing ourselves positively or negatively – often by comparing ourselves with other people. We decide that:
- we’re okay or not okay
- as good as everyone else or less good/worthy
- have an equal right to our opinions as anyone else – or consider others to be better than us
- are more/less attractive, worthy, deserving, nice to know etc
It’s just a learned habit
Now, as mentioned in the Newsletter, we learn to esteem or rate ourselves in a particular manner when we are quite young and based on how others treated us and taught us. Once we decide how we measure up against other people this becomes our lifelong verdict or opinion. For many of us, this decision is arrived before the age of 10.
From then on this childhood verdict or opinion is reinforced by our self talk and by our actions.
The idea that many of us live our lives based on the perceptions and conclusions of a young child is a little bit scary and yet that’s how it is. And it explains why so many of us tend to defer to others – and seek their appreciation, or love, or approval – or admiration.
Habits can be changed
All habits are learned ways of doing things. And the first step in changing a habit to recognise that we are running it. And this is especially the case with low self esteem. Because, as we can recognise through the NLP Meta Model, there is a huge difference between thinking
I have low self-esteem
compared with
I have been in the habit, up to now, of thinking negatively about myself.
Tips for changing the thinking are included in the article – which is here: http://www.nlp-now.co.uk/nlp_low_self_esteem_habit.htm
I really enjoyed this article and it reminded me that we are given all sorts of messages about how we ‘should’ behave and react by society, even though w.e may not even notice it. Since I’ve been facilitating laughter for people I’ve realised that at some stage between childhood and adulthood most of us ‘learn’ to change our attitude towards laughter. When I had my first experience of spontaneous, unconditional laughter in a group, I kept apologising! I’ve witnessed this phenomenon with other people too and many put their hands over their mouth or try to suppress laughter. Discussion has revealed that many of us recall being told off for giggling or having a ‘dirty’ laugh. Uninhibited laughter is regarded as vulgar and inappropriate by many. Maybe Queen Victoria had something to do with this or perhaps it’s just the ‘stiff upper lip’ of the British. It takes some time to get used to rediscovering your authentic laughter and it’s sometimes surprising to hear just what this sounds like ! A safe and secure environment with people one trusts provides the perfect opportunity for this self discovery. Everyone’s laugh is a unique and an authentic expression of self. For the snorters, the guffwars, the shriekers and laughter howlers who have felt the need to suppress their laughs in public it’s a great opportunity to share the sound of their laughter with people who appreciate it and respond to it. It is estimated that children laugh 300-500 times a day, adults just 15 – no wonder !
Hi Lesley:
I often wonder about the stats psychologists come up with… as in the laughter figures. How do they get the figures? Do they follow people around with a clipboard? Doesn’t that make the subjects of their survey self conscious?
If children laugh 500 times a day, and if each laugh lasts 20 seconds, then they are laughing for nearly 25% of their waking time. If an adult laughs 15 times that means they laugh every hour.
Neither figure matches my experience of being with people.
Maybe I just mix with the miserable ones 🙂
Reg
Hi Reg,
I’m not a great fan of statistics either but to answer your question.
I believe the statistics of children laughing is gathered from a number of studies where children were observed (by people with clipboards) at four week intervals and observed for a full day. In general adult statistics are gathered from studies in a Clinical environment (not very natural) but mainly from their own assessments and responses to questionnaires.
Regardless of statistics, I think it is interesting how our laughter becomes socially adapted as we grow up and I think people rarely laugh for more than a few seconds at a time.
I used to rely on other people to make me laugh but now I take responsibility for my own laughter quota. I find there are countless opportunities to enjoy a giggle each day. Stopping watching the news was my first step to feeling more positive and learning to laugh at myself and my mistakes means that I rarely run out of material !
Hi Reg,
As someone who was very successful at the low self-esteem habit for many years I appreciate your article. For me it was the ‘must try harder’ messages and ‘you can do better’ that allowed me to firmly anchor this habit.
I like your very practical approach to breaking the habit. Taking action one step at a time. One thing that works for me is to mentally take a step back and to see (or hear or feel) myself doing it. This is not easy in the moment but asking the question ‘how important will this be in six months time?’ helps me. By doing this I can both dissociate from whatever is happening and get a different perpective on it. Things which seem of vital importance in the moment suddenly become just a part of everyday life. I can take the appropriate action and move on.
Hi Russell
The mentally stepping back plus taking things one step at a time is a sound approach.
With issues like this many people want instant fixes e.g. hypnostise me, use a magic NLP trick on me, etc.
Such things may be of help but do not take away the need for on-going, steady persistent ‘puppy training’ – replacing old neural templates with new ones.
The ‘how important will this be in 6 months time?’ question gives a nice sense of perspective.
Reg
Hi Reg,
I too really enjoyed your post. I have two graduate degrees in Linguistics, but have just recently started training in NLP. The Meta Model really brought home to me the power of language and the strong associations between thought and language. Self-esteem is a perfect example for using language to change beliefs about ourselves at the unconscious level resulting in improved self-esteem.
Hi Teresa,
I wonder if you have any thoughts about this …
I am more or less bilingual (English/Brazilian Portuguese). In English (my native language) I used to have a bad low self-esteem thing going on, but less so these days as I get older. In Portuguese, after talking for a while, there are no low self-esteem issues at all.
As someone into liguistics, I thought you might find it interesting.
Regards, Graham.
Hi Graham, Hi Reg,
I found you comment on the difference when communicating in different languages fascinating. I have had a similar experience.
Having lived in several different countries and learnt several languages as an adult, I have the impression that the way I relate to people is different in diffrerent languages. I believe that I am much more direct (and confident) when speaking in French or Dutch than in English. I have always attributed this to social norms in diffrent countries. However, your comment made me start to wonder if has something to do with being older and having more life experience at the point where I learnt the langauges (and social norms) of other countries.
Reg, I would be very interested in your thoughts on this point.
Interesting topic – for which I don’t have a definitive answer.
Things that come to mind
1. Actors talk about the freedom to be somebody else when they take on a role – maybe this occurs when we speak in our non-native language?
2. I think the ‘older and more experienced’ idea will also have something to do with it
And then we come to the tricky stuff – the way in which, with our words/language, we seek to encapsulate and express the amazing complexity of our emotions i.e. the activity of our 5 senses at any one moment – something which can never adequately be simplified into words. Which is why we add intonation, expressions, and gestures.
So perhaps using a non-native language enables us to express and experience personal emotions differently – or maybe using a non-native language enables us to take on a different ‘self image’ – which takes me back to point (1) above…
Any other suggestions?
Reg