“Everyone’s doin’ it”
Sometimes it seems that everyone’s at it.
- Even those who have been on communication skills’ courses to learn alternative ways
- Even the ones who should know better
- Even those who appear knowledgeable about psychology.
Doing what…?
They are trying to influence others by talking at them. In other words by relying on quantity rather than quality of words and information to change emotions.
They remind me of those old mechanical monkey toys where you wind up the toy and it beats the drum on and on and on until it runs out of wind-upness!
Missing an important point
It’s not the words we use that change emotions. It’s the effect these words have on the thinking of the other person – what we say needs to be tailored to suit the personality and the beliefs and values of the other person.
This is quite a skilful process. Which is probably one of the many reasons why even those who have learned it don’t bother using it: it’s a lot easier to just talk at people.
Doing what we learned how to do…
Under stress we tend to revert to the familiar; we revert to the old programmes, old ways of doing things.
That’s why, for example, we tend to get ratty with our nearest and dearest in times of stress – stamping our little feet and being demanding was probably an effective strategy for getting our own way when we were three years old.
And being talkative and eloquently displaying your knowledge about a subject was probably a rewarded strategy at school or college.
But if you wish to influence adults, if you wish to change hearts as well as minds, you need to be a bit more skillful. And that’s why talking at people doesn’t work very often (and, when it does, it doesn’t tend to produce enduring results or ‘repeat business’).
This is the central of the current Pegasus NLP Newsletter – which you can read online here.
Reg – I enjoyed the newsletter and share your opinions on this issue. I am very reluctant to buy from anyone whom I perceive to be talking at me rather than finding out and addressing my needs.
I am curious, however, how some people seem to be successful despite using this approach. I work with someone in consulting who, once he has started talking, focuses on his own message and takes no interruptions. He has told me that he doesn’t care what the client thinks and that he would rather lose the client than change his approach. He is successful in what he does.
There is clearly something else happening here and I am curious about what it could be. One major client, from whom he has repeat business over a long period, recently said of him: “You may not always be right, but you always have an opinion”. How does this fit into the pattern?
Hi Russell
Just as tell-to-do managers can be successful so can tell-to-sell salespeople.
In my experience such sales people tend to be good at getting first orders – but not so good at getting repeat business.
That said, there are exceptions to every norm or rule and these people tend to:
1. Have an exceptionally good, and sometimes scarce, product
2. Be very experienced and knowledgeable – and so are looked up to as authorities by their customers
3. Have a very ‘strong’ personality – which appeals to a certain type of customer.
Reg