When a pole vaulter or high jumper is competing the bar over which they are jumping is raised each time they successfully clear it. Until, eventually, they cannot clear it.
The bar has been raised to the limit of their current skill/ability.
They accept this as an indication of where their current limit lies – and as a challenge to further develop their ability.
In everyday life
Many of us operate a similar pattern in our everyday lives but, un-intentionally, use this in a manner which continually keeps us in a state of low self-esteem.
- We get the job… and then decide we should get promotion.
- We buy the new car and then decide it is not prestigious enough.
- We make it to the football, swimming or cricket team and then think ‘but I need to be captain’.
- We move into a nice flat or house and soon start realising there are better places in better localities.
Raising the bar in the High Ropes
This phenomenon is frequently encountered, and challenged, in the High Ropes sessions on our NLP Core Skills and NLP Practitioner (Part 2) courses. The thing about the High Ropes course is that unless you work with it for a living there is almost always a ‘could do better’ element – an opportunity to ‘raise the bar’ on your performance and your achievement.
You can always go higher, climb better, do things in a more daring way, do things in a more relaxed and enjoyable way, etc. It is one of many reasons why we use the wonderful High Ropes course as a learning vehicle on our NLP courses.
For example: on the entry level NLP Core Skills course people are typically out to do the higher and more daring stuff. And when, some months later, they again encounter the High Ropes on the more advanced NLP Practitioner Part 2 course the approach is more measured, more enjoyable and, strangely (or not), more successful.
The pattern’s still there
But on both courses the ‘raising the bar’ pattern surfaces for many!
Everyone is asked before they climb ‘What is your target for this climb?’ And frequently they reach this tagget and go beyond it, which is a double success!
But when they come down after their climb, instead of celebrating this double achievement, they focus on what they did not achieve.
- I didn’t get to the top rung!
- Yeah, I did get to the top and walked across the pole – but I held onto the safety rope!
- Okay, so I walked across the pole, didn’t hold on to the safety rope, but I wasn’t able to hang upside down by my legs like Jill did…!
No matter what they do, and the bar is raised higher – by themselves! They forget how they were before their climb. And they never allow themselves a feeling of achievement or satisfaction.
An insidious and corrosive form of self hypnosis
Our ongoing self-critical self-commentary, whether this is said aloud or silently in our heads, is a form of self hypnosis. Because it is going on all the time we don’t pay conscious attention to it – it is ‘how we are’ – we do not challenge or question it as we would, for example, if someone else make the same criticism of us!
So it influences us at the emotional level in a powerful manner. In an on-going manner. And in an profoundly under-mining manner.
And if we always undermine ourselves by criticising ourselves and focusing on what we did not do, rather than focussing on what we do achieve, this has a quite corrosive effect on our natural state of self-esteem.
Self encouragement and self praise, on the other hand, boost our self-esteem and make it more likely that we will take risks, take chances, explore things, develop ourselves… and all with a sense of joy and fun and expiration.
It’s just (!) a habit
This endless and relentless self-criticism is a habit which we aqauire. And because it’s a habit, and is therefore automatic, it functions without our having to consciously think about it. So we get used to it. We put up with it. We think that’s ‘how it is’ and that everyone else does it, too. And, sadly, it can take years or even decades before we recognise what we’re doing to ourselves.
So how does it start? How do we get into this corrosive habit?
About a year ago, as I was passing our local village school, a little eight year old boy delightedly rushed up to his dad and almost babbled with excitement “Dad! Dad! I came second in spelling!!”
To which his father instantly and unsmilingly retorted ‘So, why didn’t you get first!?? You’ll just have to try harder, won’t you!’
And they walked on in silence…
I pass by your blog on a sporadic basis and often take away little titbits to ruminate upon.
Some years ago I became so aware of the indoctrination that is so pervasive in the young child. The example of the child and the spelling bee is a good example. Another is the concept of the imperfection, the ‘sinner’ concept that is expounded by so many religions. We are never good enough, we are always striving to be better people. The programming is not simply social or emotional, it is also cultural. It’s a hard thing when a religion tells you that you’ll never be good enough!
Agree with you, Anne. It’s a shame (putting it mildly and politely) that so many adults consider it to be their duty or their right to indoctrinate young minds.
Whether these adults be parents, teachers, or religious mentors their unspoken attidude is: ‘Here’s a young impressionable mind – let’s fill it with our standards and prejudices and fears!’
It’s often called ‘teaching’ or ‘giving the child standards’.
The Catholic Jesuit Order used to proudly boast ‘Give us the child at 5 and we will give you a Catholic for life!’