Rapport: the first essential in communicating
One of the first “challenges” in becoming an effective communicator is knowing how to create the right atmosphere for effective communicating to occur.
Take for example a simple “information gathering” exercise on one of our workshops in which the object is for, say, Jill to discover something about how Jack has experienced a recent event.
Not too difficult, you might think. All Jill has to do is to ask a few clever questions and Jack will happily provide all the information she wants.
Now remember that this is a practical exercise in a workshop in which both have invested their time and money. They have chosen to attend this workshop – so why on earth would they not want to fully engage in and cooperate in the exercise? Logically it should be a no-brainer… except that…
Emotions versus logic
… the emotions will invariably override logic.
And if Jack doesn’t like Jill or if he doesn’t approve of her approach or doesn’t trust her or doesn’t feel respected by her he won’t cooperate. Instead he will go through the motions and provide some facts and figures.
But she won’t learn much about his experience.
That requires a different level of communication.
Task and Relationship
Remember, in this workshop exercise the task is for Jill to learn about Jack’s experience. But unless the relationship between them is right Jill will have to be satisfied with factual data such as what, why, how, when, where, and with whom…
But emotional stuff such as ‘why’ he does things and what he gets out of doing them is unlikely to be volunteered.
Jill won’t learn about important stuff like
how did Jack feel
how significant was the experience for him
what did he get from the experience and so on.
To get this she will need to invest a few moments in establishing a good relationship with Jack, at the outset. She will need to create rapport!
Rapport comes first
When it comes to creating rapport, the NLP body language method is well known.
It’s quite simple. You merely mimic the other person’s gestures and movements and facial expressions and so on. You don’t do this too obviously, of course. Instead you make a similar but not identical movement — and you allow 10-20 seconds after they have made the movement before you do it too.
How simple can that be?
Too simple, actually! Because what it doesn’t take into account is how people feel when you’re “doing a technique on them”.
There’s this thing called intuition – and it’s the feeling we get after (and sometimes during) an interaction with somebody. It’s the subtle feeling that somehow we like or don’t like them, trust or don’t trust them, etc.
And most people are bright enough and smart enough to know when they are being “done to” in this way. (Yes, this form of body language matching does occur as a natural result of rapport — but using it to create rapport is a questionable process that doesn’t produce enduring relationships.)
Six articles on creating rapport
So if Jill wants to truly engage with Jack and enable him to feel good about sharing experiences with her she needs to create very good rapport with him at the outset. Even in a workshop setting. And even more so in her everyday life – with friends, family, with colleagues, with customers…
You can read more detailed tips on creating rapport with our 6 articles on Rapport beginning here. (These are freely available – you do not need to sign up.)
This is a great article, emphasizing the importance of the Pegasus Model of 4Rs and also that Rapport should be in place before we use our NLP skills respectfully & thank you for pointing this out too on the Practioner weekend just gone 😛
I do believe some people have an ability to subtly mirror or use open/friendly body language in interactions between Jills & Jacks and in very ‘under the radar’ or nuanced ways that are not detected or don’t put the other party at unease that they are being ‘worked’…perhaps such skilled users of body language are few and far between?
What a pleasure to discover that you are back in the blogosphere!
Good to have the blogs back! One of my favourite subjects – Rapport. How do I know when I am in rapport? If I try to gain rapport it can become ‘clunky’ – too obvious. I am finding that if I let go, trust my ability to gain rapport it happens. I almost flit in and out of concious awareness to unconscious awareness, sometimes just noticing what is actually happening, my feelings, what I am hearing, am I quiet inside when the other person is speaking, and so on….. I also find that to be in rapport with someone else I have to be in rapport with myself, otherwise I can tend to feel in-congruent, and maybe come across that way. Rapport I believe,is like when you hit a ball on a racquet, and it contacts the head of the racket in just the right place – the sweet spot! It just feels right, almost effortless, perfect timing, lots of space, smooth, etc. How I love the subject of Rapport
One of the things that I have found interesting about achieving rapport, is the need to be in “the same place” as the person with whom you are communicating.
Key words can mean different things to others.
Try an example by taking what you might think is a common word, then do a search for it on the internet.
You maybe surprised by the differences revealed.
Russell: Yes, I agree that a lot of people can ‘naturally’ create excellent rapport. And do it very subtly – so much so that they aren’t even aware of doing so.
A key question to consider is whether or not this rapport is appropriate.
A conman/woman will need to be an excellent rapport-maker. And they will use the rapport to the disadvantage of their victims, for example.
Lots of people have an excellent ability to drag others down through their ability to create rapport as they tell of all the awful things that are going on in their lives.
Cases like this indicate the need for the 4 Rs – which article would have been posted today were it not for my PC crashing… as in ‘hard disk not found’… 🙁
Hi Reg,
‘whether or not this rapport is appropriate’ I didnt even think of the negative uses of Rapport and you are right.
There is a guy on my high street who approaches people with a fake sob story every day, a new situation has ‘happened’ to him as he attempts to canvas money.
He is known to shop keepers, yet he is probably using rapport skills and ‘as if frame’ (‘as if’ hes latest story is true) in such a way that he does eventually get money off the public in front of shops in the high street.
I am aware some people are oblivious to the 4R when using NLP, I look forward to your new article